The Geordie Smallholder

Spotlight on vermin control

I was walking the dog this morning when the Assassin sauntered across our path with a big mouse in her jaws. So I thought you might like to know more about vermin control on the farm.

We have the Assassin and Tripod. Tripod lost her leg when she was younger in a trap laid in error by someone who was worried he had rats. We rushed her to our lovely vet, but sadly she could not save the leg. Having 3 legs does not seem to curb Tripod’s enthusiasm for hunting rodents, chasing squirrels and climbing trees. She tends to walk through open doors rather than doing the Assassin’s trick of suddenly appearing on the top of the stable doors.

You might just be able to see its her near hind that’s missing and she has golden eyes.

Tripod’s sister is the Assassin. Not content with hunting mice and, sadly, birds, the Assassin’s long term goals are grey squirrels, magpies and pheasants. The squirrels are only just faster than she is, so she might be lucky one day. Obviously pheasants are not vermin, but where we see lovely birds, she sees lunch, breakfast, dinner, elevenses, afternoon tea, supper and snacks for in between times.

The Assassin’s favourite thing after hunting and eating is to relax in the sun. Another favourite pastime is to trip up the humans on the farm because she is plotting a coup and is trying to thin our numbers first before executing the Plan, purrrrr.

We have Blackie who is about 19. She likes to strut her stuff for the younger two cats. Her favourite thing is sitting on a human lap to dig her claws into the weak flesh of the inner thigh. Here are some pictures of Blackie in action, note the Needy Blond photobombing again.

Easter in July, or has Christmas come early?

The Expert Beekeeper had a turkey in her freezer since March when she had decided to do a lovely Easter dinner for the Smallholder family. However, this plan was overtaken by events outwith human control, so she decided to take over the kitchen at the farm yesterday and prepare a glorious repast for us.

We had turkey, gravy, mash, roasties, Yorkshire puddings (made by GSM, the resident expert in this regard), peas, carrots, skirlie (traditional stuffing made from oatmeal, suet and onions), and cranberry sauce. EB made a caramel apple betty for pudding. The pictures below show what happens when you have good food, good wine and good company.

Rufus Gets a Trailer

This week we obtained a tipper trailer for Rufus. Its Bob the Builder blue and very smart. It won’t be clean for long. Pictures will follow, it’s been too wet to go out unless you really need to.

Bee Movie

This week saw Expert Beekeeper decide to move her hives from further north where they had been lazy and unproductive to our smallholding. Despite the poor weather, they recovered really quickly from the trip in the back of the pick up (they didn’t like the banjo music though) and started foraging for pollen and making honey. Expert Beekeeper had to add to the hives to give them room. She has an apprentice now (Geordie Smallholder Son, GSS) in a white bee suit in the photos below. She told him to wear thick clothing under the suit so that he wouldn’t get stung, but failed to take her own advice. I ask you, who works with bees in their skimpy jammies? So she is sporting some lovely red lumps on her arms (didn’t take any antihistamine either, did she?). I bet she did the school run in her slippers lol.

These two could be extras in Midsommer Murders

Cushy Butterfield has been walking badly of late so the very nice vet took some X-rays and diagnosed arthritis. She also has a wee abscess which we have poulticed and she has a lovely boot to wear when she is out to keep the dirt out. She hates it and keeps trying to flick it off as she moves which makes her look like the arthritis is worse than it actually is.

Expert Beekeeper is having Easter dinner tomorrow as we missed it earlier in the year. I will leave you today with a photo of the pink poppies. I could wear a summer dress and hat and ponce around the garden with a basket cutting flowers and saying “no really, Inspector, I didn’t hear a thing last night”. Yes I could be in Midsommer Murders too.

A Visit From Millie

Today we had a visit from GS’s Mother-in-law, MIL-lie. She had a shot in the tractor and pronounced it very comfy. We gave her the grand tour. It would have been very pleasant but for the rain, it was the sort that doesn’t seem so bad but gets you drenched in minutes. Below you can see how we had to wake up the alleged steed to get a cuddle from granny, the garden is looking great as long as you like foxgloves and poppies and we have a baby zombie pumpkin at last. The first picture is the gang having another restaurant meal heated up at home, it was delicious.

GSM made Victoria sponge, chocolate cake, ginger nuts and oaties for afternoon tea. Millie says she will definitely be back!

Birthday Barbecue

It was Expert Forester’s birthday this week, so we had a barbecue. Unusually, this was not a cue for the weather to turn. It was great till the midges came to partake of the feast, which was us. We had burgers, Pimms, sausages, Pimms, corn cobs, Pimms, salad, Pimms, chicken and Pimms. I had used frozen fruit in the Pimms so we spooned the fruit up, and called it dessert. “One of your 5 a day and you get quietly inebriated, what’s not to like?” said GS. We all agreed that Pimms made that way is excellent for summer.

A list of the wildlife at the smallholding

I thought you might like to know about the creatures other than Geordie Smallholder and family that live in and around the farm.

Barn owls, bats, wood peckers, deer, newts, hares, squirrels, swallows (no Amazons), goldfinches, nuthatches, lesser spotted stakeholders, midges lol.

Good Fences, Good Neighbours

Recently we have been invaded by our neighbours’ genius sheep. They come through some old fencing between our property early in the morning before NSF (neighbour sheep farmer), notices. They feast on our long grass, poo plenty, then tear up any electric fencing and shout at each other very loudly outside our house about 30 minutes before our alarm. The minute they think someone has noticed them, they charge for the exit, with two on each side counting them through. It’s like Shaun the Sheep in real life. So the fence was fixed and now the sheep are good neighbours.

To the tune of Neighbours soap opera…good neighbours become good friends.

Dog Training Doofus Style

If you are a dog of middle years, make sure you train your owners really well so that if you want to bring your ball home, but are too tired to carry it, they will do the hard work for you. But make sure the ball is lovely and wet with slobber so they know how much you love them.

Step 1. Lie down and look a bit confused when they call you. Step 2. Continue looking confused but happy to see them as they approach. Step 3. Offer them the ball, then bathe in the glory as they happily swipe the ball and carry it home for you, whilst enjoying wiping their fingers on their clean jeans. Listen out for words and sounds of appreciation such as “yuck” and “why don’t you come when I call you?” and “you need more training”. Bonus if you hear swearing, it means they really love you. Xxx

Grandma beats off stiff competition from the squirrels

The squirrels have been eating our strawberries before we get to them, but GSM got up early today and got there first. Who ate all the strawberries? It was Granny!!!

The hens are doing well.

Four eggs a day most days and some double yolks, yum.

And the sun came back out (momentarily). So we sat outside to provide sustenance for midges.

If you mention barbecue, it will rain again, you know.

Freezing June

Yes, I dug out my wellies, scarf and gloves again today. The wind is coming straight down from the northwest.

Thought it would be good to record how the rest of the farm is doing.

Berries on the berberis bush, hope something eats them.

Oh, Bee hive!

Still vacant…..

We thought this tree had died after its “pollarding” but its coming back. It is a copper beech.

The pergola, a bit overgrown, but I like it.

Flowers growing in the reed bed with the weeds.

Vermin control plotting to kill us by tripping us up.

This is my favourite place on the farm. It reminds me of Ballard’s “the garden of time”.

Squirrel stealing bird food. The cats wou

The Day of the Triffids (and other updates)

Here we are in June already and we have had all four seasons so far this month. I’ve just had to put my winter fleecy on over my sunburn (itchy and ouchy) to go put a rug on Tim-nice-but-dim, the overbred horse as he was wet and shivering. Cushy Butterfield, the other alleged steed is immune to the weather.

The greenhouses and polytunnel are growing all sorts of tomatoes and cucumbers for salads later in the year, but what is that growing in the old glasshouse? Geordie Smallholder has blasted whatever they are with a very powerful weedkiller, “square-down” (other makes are available) to no avail. So I think they are triffids, haven’t slept a wink since I came to this conclusion. I now know where John Wyndham got his inspiration from: his out of control greenhouse lol.